What Can You Handle?

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”    ~ Mother Teresa

Stanton continues to have a respiratory crash every three weeks.  It's difficult to handle these illnesses so close together and yet so predictable.  We have one week of horror, then two weeks of good.  This time around it's put us in the hospital.  Stanton has pneumonia that he just can't shake.  It seems to be lingering in his lower left lung.  It's sad to admit, but being at the hospital has been a bit of a break.  Here, I'm only mom.  My only job is to comfort my child.  I can focus all my energy and efforts on him and his needs.  This, I can handle.  The nurses and hospital staff take care of everything else....the medication, the breathing treatments, even the food and clean sheets!  I am thankful to be in a place that is comfortable so I can focus on my job...being mom.

The pediatrician on call has witnessed what I deal with on a daily basis:  the fight to get Stanton to take anything by mouth.  One sip of apple juice at a time; the eye dropper of water; the throwing up of forced medications, the refusal of food.  He's really had nothing to eat or drink since Saturday afternoon and is, therefore, IV dependent while here.  Today, however, he's finally reached the bottom of an apple juice box.  It took all day - but he did it! I hope this is the start of a better night and day tomorrow.  We can't go home until he begins drinking and taking his formula (Elecare).

After watching our oral battle, the pediatrician has raised some tough issues for us to consider and pursue.  We first will see a pulminologist at Tulane.  That leads to a series of "What If" scenarios that I'm not ready to share.  The pediatrician wants to talk to our primary pediatrician about making a call to our team in Cincinatti.  The doctor feels it should be a phone conversation, not just a faxing of records.  This again leads to some difficult choices and scenarios that we must face.

Am I ready for this next, difficult journey?  Can I handle what lies ahead?  Why does God trust us enough to push my family down this stoney path? 

 "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

What's new?

I know, I know….my past few posts about Stanton’s health have been the same story!  We continue to face the same issues – nothing health wise has really changed.  He’s loving school and really loves being a big brother to his 5 week old baby sister!  It’s been interesting trying to balance his health with a newborn baby girl!  So many have asked what’s next?  Where we will push next; what doctor we will visit.  I am just recovering from having a baby….and am not ready to travel with one so little and the other chronically sick.  I do have some ideas of where I’d like to push and investigate next, I’m just waiting for baby girl to have some vaccines and for us to get through the holidays.

Stanton awoke on Halloween morning with a terrible cough.  He spent the entire day sounding like an old man; coughing and sputtering.  I gave him extra breathing treatments trying to keep him going so we wouldn’t miss trick-or-treating.  That night we made it to my sister’s for a party and trick-or-treating.  Stanton made it to about six houses before needing to sit in his stroller.  I literally had to talk him into knocking on two more doors before we decided to call it a night.  He had fun while it lasted, which wasn’t very long.  When he has a respiratory flare up, the wind is truly knocked out of him and he simply has zero endurance.

As a mother, my heart is broken for my son.  I realize he doesn’t know things should be any different, as they’ve been this way for his whole life.  I acknowledge that I am in the midst of grieving this reality.  I wish he knew what it felt like to really feel good.  I’m not sure he’s ever had a day where he felt “normal” inside.  If it’s not his cough and difficulty breathing, it’s a pain in his stomach.  If it’s not his stomach, it’s a reflux kind of day.  If it’s not reflux, it’s constipation.  If it’s not constipation, it’s a day of blow-outs.  If it’s not a day of blow-outs it’s a day of low energy. If it’s not a day of low energy, it’s a day of unexplained hives.  If it’s not hives, it’s a hunger strike kind of day.  And so on…    

I used to pray and hope for healing, but now I find myself asking simply for today.  I pray that today Stanton will have a good health day.  I pray that today, maybe a doctor or new idea will present itself.  I pray for energy to continue aggressively fighting this battle.  It’s hard to look past today, for in the past when I have, I’ve just ended up disappointed or with more questions.  So, to survive all of this with some sanity, I have learned to take things one day at a time.  As I’m typing this, I realize it sounds depressing…..which I’m not!  This letting go has  really allowed me to enjoy just being in the moment, which has been so freeing for me! Before Stanton I was a planner and very “type A.”  He sure has taught me to really let go, go with the flow and be flexible!

Speaking of being flexible – he’s awake from his nap, crying and gagging…I’ll post more when I can!